In a display of supreme stupidity, the group of bankers moved downhill towards the lioness and her cub to get better photographs. Predictably, the lioness charged.
My friend, who was leading the bodyguard detail for the bankers, described what happened next as “a cartoon”. Feet slipped, arms flailed, and the bankers fell all over each other in a desperate attempt to scramble back up the hill to the safety of the lodge. The lioness streaked towards them, roaring in anger.
With no good option, my friend ran downhill past the flailing tangle of bankers to meet her. He reached for the concealed pistol in his shoulder holster. His only choice was to kill the lioness before she killed his clients. This was a great pity, because she was clearly faultless and they were clearly fools.
However, having seen off the threat to her cub the lioness stopped, then retreated. My friend, standing alone and relieved, removed his hand from the still concealed gun. He turned to climb back up the hill.
He was met by thunderous applause. The bankers, now safely back at the lodge, still had no idea that my friend was armed. They believed he had charged the lion in an act of selfless bravery. All afternoon they bought beers for the conquering hero and recounted their mutual adventure. No doubt the tale grew in the telling, and with the drinking.
One by one the bankers wobbled off to bed. My friend sat alone on the lodge verandah, savoring the events of the day and the cool African night. A hippo wandered by grazing on the grass. So wild and yet so close, like the lioness herself.
Then the hippo pooped all over him. Hippos use their paddle-shaped tails to spray stool around like a firehose. My friend found himself sitting in just such a hippo car wash. When he finally got up from the chair there was the outline of his body, like a chalk drawing at a murder scene, surrounded by hippo poop.
He went into the parking lot, stripped, and threw his uniform in a garbage bag, never to be worn again.
[If you know someone else who might enjoy a lighthearted story to begin their week, kindly forward them the link to WordsfortheWeary. The more the merrier.]
